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Surviving Infidelity: 4 Ways to Build Trust After You’ve Been Betrayed

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If you are going to survive infidelity, you pretty much have two options: stand by your man or kick him to the curb. You’re here, reading this blog, because you want to learn how to build trust in a relationship. You want to work it out with your guy, and you’re determined to put your all into making the relationship work. Your first step is going to be rebuilding the core foundation of any healthy relationship: trust. To get started, check out my top four steps to ensuring your relationship survives and thrives after infidelity:

1. Ask for transparency.

In my experience, one of the best ways to bounce back after infidelity is to have full permission to go through his phone and read his emails. Explain to your man that you need him to be transparent for a certain period of time so you can start to trust him again. Try saying something like:

“I think we both want the same thing, which is to work through this together. For me, it’ll be really important to help me ease my fears and build trust if I’m able to check up on you from time to time. What do you think about that?”

If he says yes, awesome! If he resists, tell him that’s concerning to you and ask him what his reasoning is. If he refuses to agree to full transparency, you have to ask yourself why he’s still hiding things from you and refusing to do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable.

2. Express your hurt feelings.

It’s super important that you’re able to express your hurt feelings and be heard over and over again by your guy. Let him know that in order to process your feelings, you need him to acknowledge the infidelity whenever you bring it up. Set the expectation that if you need to talk about his betrayal and express your emotions, he’ll be there to listen, apologize, and validate your feelings.

I want to be super clear here.  I know that you probably want to tell him he is the scum of the earth and should rot for what he did to you.  I’m guessing you already told him as much and he hopefully feels pretty terrible.  Here’s the thing, in my experience the two of you will keep going around in circles until you shift the focus back to you.

Try to speak only about your feelings and at some point he will get the courage to respond and console you.  Say things like “Every time I think about you with another woman I get a pit in my stomach, I’m so sad.”  “I feel betrayed and outraged that you could do this to me.”

3. Fill your life with friends and family.

Build up a strong support network of loving people so your man isn’t the only thing you have going on. By maintaining a full and vibrant life outside of your relationship, you’ll be happier, more fulfilled, and more adjusted to life after infidelity.  Schedule time each week to spend with friends, family or do something just for you.

4. Evaluate your bond with your man.

When you’re in a good place emotionally, evaluate your overall bond with your man. Check in mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually to make sure you two truly are a match. Ask yourself questions like:

  • Are we on the same page regarding family, finances, and the future?
  • Does he make me happy?
  • Do I still want to make this relationship work?
  • Am I still attracted to him?
  • Do we see a future together?
  • Do we share the same spiritual values?
  • Do we set and accomplish goals together?

Your values don’t have to line up exactly, but make sure you can still find common ground about the bigger picture.

All my best,
Heather

p.s.  This post has been featured in The HuffingtonPost and YourTango.

About the Author

Heather BakerHeather Baker is a Relationship Coach, certified from the prestigious, world-class Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC). She specializes in saving relationships from a break up or divorce. In addition to being a relationship coach, Heather’s a devout student and teacher of yogic and Buddhist philosophy. Heather lives in San Francisco, California with her fiancée and their two rescue pups, Miso and Minka.View all posts by Heather Baker →

5 Comments

  1. Kim
    Kim12-31-2013

    Thanks Heather
    For a really insightful article on how to get over infidelity I particularly agree with No3
    friends and family can be a great help at this time!
    Kim

    • Heather Baker
      Heather Baker04-01-2014

      Thanks so much Kim! It’s important to surround our selves with people who really care, at any point in life and especially at a time like this!

  2. Orlando (What happened to my sweet wife?)
    Orlando (What happened to my sweet wife?)03-29-2014

    Kim,

    First time here. Great looking site and even better advice and information. (By the way super jealous you live in my favorite city :( )

    Question: I’ve suffered from infidelity. I thought my wife and I really enjoyed each other’s company. Since she cheated I am not really sure how much she enjoys spending time with me.

    Regarding #4 her on your list (of course for me Evaluate your bond with your woman). How important do you think it is to invest time into evaluating your bond BEFORE you get married? Is there a certain average length of time you believe people should spend together before getting engaged? You know I think people nowadays fall in love with the idea of falling in love and rush into marriage. I feel I may have.

    Look forward to your reply,
    Orlando

  3. Orlando (What happened to my sweet wife?)
    Orlando (What happened to my sweet wife?)03-29-2014

    Heather (sorry I wasn’t paying attention and put in wrong name),

    First time here. Great looking site and even better advice and information. (By the way super jealous you live in my favorite city :( )

    Question: I’ve suffered from infidelity. I thought my wife and I really enjoyed each other’s company. Since she cheated I am not really sure how much she enjoys spending time with me.

    Regarding #4 her on your list (of course for me Evaluate your bond with your woman). How important do you think it is to invest time into evaluating your bond BEFORE you get married? Is there a certain average length of time you believe people should spend together before getting engaged? You know I think people nowadays fall in love with the idea of falling in love and rush into marriage. I feel I may have.

    Look forward to your reply,
    Orlando

    • Heather Baker
      Heather Baker04-01-2014

      Hi Orlando,
      That’s a great point Orlando, It’s important to examine your reasons for getting married. I often find that couples get engaged because they feel like they “should” or “it’s time”…Other’s rush into the engagement, often because they are in love with the idea of forever but don’t really realize that LOVE is an action and not a feeling and you actually have to DO stuff to keep the relationship healthy and thriving.

      Not sure about an average length of time, per se, it’s all about what you do with that time. What you share about your self, how (the two of) you handle conflict the questions you ask, the dating process is an exploration really, an exploration into how the other person treats you, shows up for you, how you feel when you’re around them etc…

      Hope that helps!
      Feel free to email me…
      heather@makeuporbreakup.com

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